


save me

by yikesmontana



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Cutting, Injury, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Self-Harm, first post!!!, hinata is depressed, osteoporosis, tiny bit of fluff at the end, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:14:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5385581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesmontana/pseuds/yikesmontana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>nobody would have guessed that karasuno's number 10 hated every breath he took.</p>
            </blockquote>





	save me

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, anorexia, depression, hospitalization  
> so yeah this is my first fic. i know that they're both kinda ooc but y'know, whatever.  
> also this was totally inspired by psychojuuzou's fanfic about trans!hinata go check them out!!

nobody would suspect that hinata shouyou was sad.

he was the decoy. the sunshine of the team. the beacon of light and hope that kept them all going, even in the tough times.

he was determined to keep trying, even when all hope seemed lost. he was the perfect team player.

they saw his smiles, heard his laughs, felt his smooth, clear wrists when they helped him up.

they didn't see his flinches, hear his sobs or feel the rough, uneven lines running across his thighs.

hinata didn't blame them for not noticing. he didn't want them to. _i'm already burden enough_ , he'd think, crouching in the corner of the change room after everyone had left, trying to hold back unshed tears from an unsuccessful practice. _i'm already holding the team back enough._

they did start to notice, though, when hinata began flinching every time he landed a jump.

or when he bit his lip when doing sliding practice.

or when he'd scratch at his thighs continuously.

when they asked him about it, hinata would just laugh. flash a smile. give a thumbs up.

"i'm fine guys, really! you worry too much, c'mon, give me some tosses!"

but he didn't voice the chorus of thoughts in his head every time he messed up a receive, or fumbled a serve, or got in the way.

_stupid._

_you want to be an ace?_

_you're lucky they keep you on the team._

_stop taking everyone down with you._

_worthless. idiot. incapable._

it went on like that, with hinata just barely managing to brush off their suspicion and then proceeding to tear himself down in his head. he would practice, go to school, practice more, go home, cut, cry.

he would stare at himself in the mirror, stare at his ugly freckles and gross cuts and fat stomach and blinding orange hair and hate it.

that's when he stopped eating.

he would go a day or so, then eat a ton, and then feel guilty and go even longer without.

the cuts crawled from his thighs, to his hips, up his stomach, onto his shoulders. he changed in a stall, on his own, away from the searching eyes of his teammates. his shorts and t-shirt covered the weight loss, covered the self-inflicted wounds.

he began to get dizzy. he would run out of breath after only a few minutes of playing. he would stay behind after practice, by himself, drilling the moves over and over and over until he nearly passed out.

"he's just ambitious," his mom would say. "working hard at his goal."

the team sent him worried glances after every spike he hit.

but they didn't say anything.

not until the day that he fell.

he was crouching, preparing for the spike. feeling ready, feeling happy. he jumped, hit the ball, and fell.

snap.

the entire gym went silent after hinata screamed. he hit the ground hard, clutching his ribs, gasping against the pain.

kageyama was at his side first, hands fluttering around hinata's squirming form, not sure what to do.

"hinata, what happened? where does it hurt? let me see, stupid. hey, hinata. hinata!" kageyama was yelling, but hinata ignored him, curling in on himself even more. suga and daichi were there then, tugging up his shirt. hinata panicked, thrashing against them, causing his wound to shake even more.

they got his shirt off.

it went silent again.

hinata was crying, trying to hide his shameful body from them. the team was frozen, stunned, watching hinata. they took in his prominent ribs, one of them obviously broken. his spine, jutting out of his back. his hipbones, sharp and piercing. his collarbones, nearly cutting open his skin. the oozing, bloody cuts, some of them bleeding again due to hinata's movements.

suga broke the silence first, letting a quiet sob fall out of his mouth and petting hinata's wild hair. that snapped everyone out of their trance; tsukkishima went with yamaguchi to call for an ambulance, daichi got closer to suga to help soothe hinata, nishinoya and tanaka and asahi bit their lips, trying not to cry.

kageyama remained silent, holding hinata's hand as the smaller boy sobbed.

"please, please, o-oh _god_ kageyama i-i'm sorry," hinata was gasping, his eyes wide and bloodshot. kageyama just squeezed hinata's hand tighter, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

hinata was tired. he wanted to sleep. the adrenaline had faded from his weak body, and now he only felt the constant pain. he was shaking, trying to keep his drooping eyelids open. he heard suga's voice, as if he was underwater, somewhere in his vicinity.

"...nata, stay awak...eyama, keep him awake..." he managed to make out. suddenly, the calming hand in his hair was gone, and hinata opened his eyes again.

"..idiot! wake up. don't sleep," kageyama was saying strictly. hinata let out a breathy whine.

"k-kageyama...do you hate me?" hinata asked drowsily, a few stray tears falling over his cheeks. kageyama's hand tightened around hinata's.

"of course not, you idiot. i love you."

 

hinata woke again in a hospital. apparently, he had passed out from malnourishment, and one of his ribs broke during his fall due to "osteoporosis." the doctors diagnosed him with anorexia nervosa and depression.

his mom cried. a lot. so did natsu, though she didn't get it.

the first week was rough. hinata wasn't allowed visitors, and he almost preferred it that way. he was a wreck, feeling like he needed to cut, and not wanting to keep down any of the food the hospital provided. his fingers itched to play volleyball again, his legs itched to jump.

the second week, the team started to visit.

suga and dachi came first. suga cried, and daichi lectured him about how "starving himself wasn't the way to get better at volleyball," and that "they were always there to talk." hinata hugged them both sincerely, reassuring them that he was getting better.

next was tanaka, asahi, noya, tsukkishima and yamaguchi. they came all together, like a mob, and practically squished hinata in a bear hug. tsukkishima smacked his head and scolded hinata for being stupid, while yamaguchi and asahi just wished him to be better. noya and tanaka pretended not to cry, demanding that hinata get well again. they promised him meatbuns, which made hinata a mixture of happy and sad.

he asked about kageyama, and they all fell silent.

"he's pretty...torn up, y'know. he'll be in eventually, i'm sure."

hinata waited one more week, with no signs of kageyama showing up. it made hinata's heart sink.

_he's disgusted._

_he thinks that you should've died._

_you burdened him._

hinata squeezed his hands into fists, harshly closing his eyes against unwanted tears.

_i'm sure he's just busy._

_he hates you._

_he always did and now you just scared him off even more, stupid-_

"hinata?"

the voice made hinata freeze. slowly, he opened his watery eyes to see kageyama, standing awkwardly at the doorway.

"y-you came!" hinata gasped, smiling widely, and kageyama gave him a nod, shuffling forward to sit on the edge of hinata's hospital bed.

"i'm sorry i didn't come earlier," kageyama said quietly, and hinata's smile darkened.

so he is grossed out, he only came out of pity-

"o-oh. well, uh, thanks f-for coming, but you can, um, go, if you want to." hinata managed, still holding onto a weak smile. kageyama's eyebrows furrowed.

"but i just got here, idiot. why would i want to leave?" kageyama asked. hinata squirmed, looking away.

"i thought you'd be, you know, grossed out. i mean, i was all blah and nasty and i burdened you all and brought the team down-" hinata rambled, only stopping when kageyama's lips touched his own. hinata flushed bright red, his eyes widening for a second before closing and returning the kiss. it was really awkward, at first, both of them testing the waters. but once they had a steady rhythm, they fit perfectly together.

kageyama broke it off, resting his forehead on hinata's and holding his cheek.

"you," he breathed, "are not gross. or nasty. or a burden. you didn't bring the team down, either, hinata. but you are an idiot. never hurt yourself again. don't even think it. please, just don't hurt yourself again, okay?"

"i...i mean, i have medicine now, and they said it'll make me feel better, so-" hinata started again, but kageyama cut him off again.

"hinata. you have me now, alright? talk to me. i promise, i won't make fun of you, not about this," kageyama swore. hinata giggled, placing a hand on kageyama's chest.

"your face is really scary when you're trying to be nice," hinata admitted, and kageyama blushed, scowling and pulling away from hinata.

"s-shut up! i was trying to be helpful," kageyama pouted. hinata smiled, a real, genuine smile. almost inaudibly, he whispered, "you are."


End file.
